Andy Borowitz puts forward a grand unified theory of disaster prevention in his latest column:
In testimony before Congress today, the acting head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) said that the United States could handle both an outbreak of bird flu and a major hurricane as long as the hurricane successfully eradicated the bird population.
Acting FEMA Director R. David Paulison said that the agency was putting a series of plans in place to deal with a possible bird flu pandemic, but added, â€œWeâ€™re really counting on a major hurricane to do the heavy lifting for us, bird-killing-wise.â€
Mr. Paulison outlined a series of scenarios his agency has been developing in which birds are wiped out by other natural disasters such as tornadoes, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions.
â€œThese birds think theyâ€™re pretty tough, but just you wait,â€ he said. â€œTheyâ€™re no match for molten lava.â€