Patriotic Stories from the Onion (America’s finest news source)
My July 1, 2010 issue of the Onion arrived Monday. Surprisingly, the Onion actually prints a more-or-less weekly newspaper, and it is made out of paper.
I do not recommend the paper to children or anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to name a government program “Perfect Citizen.”
This week’s “the Onion” was “The Patriotism Issue.”
Here are some headlines and excerpts from top stories.
(According to the Onion, this news is “only visible to real Americans.” And you know who you are.)
Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.
“Our very way of life is under siege,” said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. “It’s time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are.”….
New Poll Finds 86 Percent Of Americans Don’t Want To Have A Country Anymore
A Gallup/Harris Interactive poll released Monday indicates that nearly nine out of 10 Americans are “tired of having a country.”
Among the 86 percent of poll respondents who were in favor of discontinuing the nation, the most frequently cited reasons were a lack of significant results from the current democratic process (36 percent), dissatisfaction with customer service (28 percent), and exhaustion (22 percent).
“I don’t want to get bogged down in the country anymore,” Wilmington, DE accountant Karie Ashworth said. “I’m not up in arms or anything, I’m just saying it’d be a lot easier for everyone if we just gave it up.”
Of those who were against maintaining an American nation, 77 percent said they believe that having a country is “counter to the best interests of Americans.” Twelve percent said “the time and effort citizens spend on the country could be better spent elsewhere,” and 8 percent said they just didn’t care.
Roughly 3 percent said we ceased to have a country years ago, and explained that they had been stockpiling weapons to protect their independent compounds….
Communists Now Least Threatening Group In U.S.
According to a report released Tuesday …, Communists rank last on a list of 238 threats to national security. “Communists may now safely be ignored,” [the] Secretary of Defense … said. “The Red Menace has been surpassed by militia groups, religious extremists, ecoterrorists, cybercriminals, Hollywood producers, and angry drivers.” Other groups deemed more threatening than Communists include rap-metal bands (#96), escaped zoo animals (#202), and Belgians (#237).
Nation Secretly Hoping 9/11 Becomes A Day Off Soon
After spending another anniversary of the 2001 terrorist attacks at work, many across the country have begun to secretly hope that the date will soon become a federally mandated day off. “We’ll have it off in 25 years anyway, so why not just start now?” said a Des Moines–area citizen who wished to remain anonymous….
Special ‘Framers’ Cut’ Of Constitution To Feature Five Deleted Amendments
The National Archives and Records Administration announced plans Monday to release a special “framers’ cut” of the Constitution featuring five bonus amendments deleted from the original. According to NARA head John Carlin, the new document includes “more than the 35 lines of never-before-seen provisions sure to thrill history buffs.”….
Little League Coaches’ World War II-Themed Speeches Leave Players Confused, Frightened
Though coaches for both the United States and Japanese Little League teams attempted to inspire their young squads before Sunday’s championship game by evoking the memories of those who fought and died for their respective countries in World War II, the coaches’ descriptive tales of conflict, suffering, and mass death left players almost incapable of taking the field….
U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.
What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world’s largest economy….
8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights
Gun owners nationwide are applauding the patriotic, though accidental, exercise of Second Amendment rights by 8-year-old Timothy Cummings Tuesday.
“Timothy is a symbol of American heroism,” said NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre from Cummings’ bedside at Norfolk General Hospital, where the boy is in serious but stable condition from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. “While praying for his recovery, we should all thank God that his inalienable right to keep and bear arms has not been infringed.”…
40-Foot American Flag Pin Welded To Statue Of Liberty
But seriously, “Perfect Citizen?”
