From the intrepid marketing experts at The Onion:
If you smell something, say something.
The exotic essence of the Far East is absolutely nowhere to be found in this almost inescapable new Department of Homeland Security fragrance.
Formulated by the personal perfumier to Janet Napoloitano, DHS contains essential oils of capsacin, sandalwood, eagle tears, non-Lebanon cedar, and guns. Notes of vigilance, musk, tonka bean, and black cordura pat down the senses to preserve comforting overtones of vanilla. And a cool, commanding base of conditioned orange infusions evoke the powerful agency’s message that, while all may be serene for now, the future almost certainly holds a seductive hint of menace.